- It is okay to feel happy sometimes. This does not negate how you felt about the person you lost. Happiness is a sign that you are starting to take control of your own life again, and you shouldn’t ever feel guilty about that.
- Don’t try to conform to the “right” style of grief. There is no “right” way to mourn. Do what feels right, and continue to care for yourself healthfully as you continue to process.
- You might want to talk about your loss. Sometimes, too much. Sometimes, without filter. Sometimes, with people you do not know. Sometimes, this is not the right thing to do. No matter how down you are, read your audience and proceed with caution. You should not expect everyone to understand your pain–if you’re shouting it to a bar full of people you don’t know, you probably don’t understand it either. Don’t hate them for it.
- Drawing off of 3, you might do some pretty weird, unfiltered shit while processing. I found keeping a journal helps to keep you from getting a little too weird. The self reflection helped me from going a bit too avant garde in my processing.
- Do not bring an instrument with you while traveling unless you want everyone to ask you to play. This is how you end up playing Spongebob’s The Fun Song to a bunch of people you’ve never met on a broken down Greyhound bus at 2am while you’re in the middle of a mental breakdown. (It’s not fun.)
- Many times the family will reject you. This is natural, and you should not hate them for it. Just as they will never fully understand your pain, you will never fully understand theirs. See it as a clean break, a quick way to begin your new life. Don’t dwell on it, no matter the circumstances. This loss was (absolutely) not your fault, no matter what anyone says.
- Drawing from 6, your life will be different. This is unavoidable. Use it as a way to look back on your old life and fix the things you were doing wrong. Focus on improvement vs what you have lost. No matter how hard you try, you can’t get back what you lost.
- Don’t plan on driving 14 hours in one day. I don’t care if once, when you were 23, you drove from Milwaukee to Los Angeles in two days. You shouldn’t have done it then. You shouldn’t do it now.
- Wait a little bit before you get a tattoo. Trust me. Or if you can’t wait, at least promise me you won’t go to “the only place available” the week after you’ve experienced your trauma. (No I will not show you my own personal proof of this.)
- People who say they want to help aren’t pandering to you. Just like you, they aren’t sure how to process what you’ve been through. They’re just as clueless as you, but sometimes an outside perspective can help. Don’t shut them out, and don’t let your pride get in the way of your recovery.
(and other things I told myself)