Well, here I am. Again.
As I’m writing this on November 4, 2018, I’ve just gotten back to Milwaukee—from visiting New Orleans to speak with their National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) chapter and to do a few signings there. The month before, I was in New York City to speak with their NAMI chapter, and I did a signing there as well. So far, so good.
For my first book’s tour, I’ve decided to return to the ten cities I mentioned in the book, and give back to their local NAMI Chapters. It’s not the most lucrative book tour for me, by any means, but it feels right, and I’m lucky I still have my remote job so I can support myself on the road. It’s not easy, but I’m learning how to balance the two—learning a sustainable balance as I continue to travel.
I’m traveling toward where I want to go, following a journey of personal growth rather than retreating further into my past memories. Part of this means taking time in each city I visit, and part means traveling with intent and purpose . This is a daily struggle, still, but I can feel myself growing stronger with each city and with each experience. I feel myself growing more stable, more secure, more focused on where I’d like to be—an unencumbered future.
This personal progression was my goal at the end of my first book, so I’m proud of this. I don’t mean to get too sappy, but I’ve never felt more motivated or driven in my life, which to me, is much better than being simply “happy,” as was my goal before. I not only feel better, but I see a world beyond my hardships, and I’m growing my world further than I ever could have imagined. I truly believe this is because I learned to share my story, to open up to others, and to truly listen to others’ stories—to gain perspective with each person I met, and to ultimately transcend those dark times in my past.
I did see All Them Witches and Handsome Jack while I was in New Orleans, and I did still give one ticket away. That’s more because, well, they both just released great new albums this year (2018), and I’ve decided that this ticket thing is a really fun thing to do. It’s something I’d like to continue doing when I have the money for it. I like to give someone else that experience, and I like knowing that the person has no idea where the ticket came from. I love this—a faceless good deed that I hope the person will perpetuate past the show. I’m a sucker for it.
While I did have a beer while I was there, I drank water outside of that, which (as you may know from the first book) would have been incredibly difficult for me to do a year ago. Moderation was not my forte, to say the least, but I’m getting better at this. I think this might be because my pain is no longer a cinder block lodged in the center of my mind. Because I’m calmer mentally, I’m less focused on flushing this block from my thoughts—now, they flow in sync with my actions, at least mostly. At least much better than before.
While these might not seem like massive steps, for me, I’m proud of where I am now. And while there is still room for growth (as I believe there always is, no matter where you are in life), where I am is sustainable. And I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful I could move on from where I was in even the final pages of my first book, and I’m grateful that now I’m heading in a much more positive direction.
If I’m doing so much better, then why am I doing this? Well, after re-reading my first book (call me narcissistic; I’ll take it), I realized I’ve traveled so much further in my mental health journey, far past the final pages of my first book. I’ve decided to continue past the physical journey, to shed light upon the mental journey I went on after my physical one was complete.
As I mentioned in my first book—the body can heal itself, but the mind cannot, not unless you actively focus on positive improvement. While for me, I currently do not need therapy or medication, I have not put it off the table completely. If you are in a similar situation, I want you to understand that I’m not against those things at all, and I acknowledge that if I do need them in the future, they’ll be welcomed with open arms (and hopefully my insurance will, too. If not, I’m glad I know that NAMI provides so many great, free group sessions in the meantime).
Mental health is more important than any sort of rules I’ve constructed in my head, and that’s at the top of my list of takeaways from last year. I’ve learned that this journey is fluid, is constant, is without expiration—and I’ve grown to accept that.
I’ve come to realize that this journey is dynamic. I still have flashbacks, I still have bad days, and I still have regressions. But for now, I’m able to move past them and lead a relatively normal and fulfilling life. It’s still not perfect, but I’m grateful for where I am now.
In this book, I hope to open you into the world of my greater mental journey and, beyond my physical “manic quest for reason,” as I like to call it. I’ll share with you what I’ve done to keep myself on track, what I still struggle with, and where I hope to be in years to come. I’ve also included some other essays that have been important to my own personal growth—past the struggles I mentioned in my first book.
This book can either be read from front to back, or you can skip to certain sections, as they are stand-alone essays. You can also read from back to front, or only odd pages, or only read pages with your favorite words on them (but I wouldn’t recommend it). Above all, however you choose to read this, I hope you are able to take something from this, and I hope reading this helps you as much as writing it helped me.
Cheers,
Becky