Sorry for the brief hiatus, already. Schedules are not my forte, but I’m working on it.
If you follow my social media, check my tour page, or read my past posts, you’ll know that I’m (trying to get) back on the road again. I’m taking my time this round, making sure I don’t burn out. Unlike before, when I knew I had to visit ten cities then I would be finished, there is no definitive end to this tour. I’m excited to see where this takes me, but also, I’m trying to stay mindful of what I can handle.
For once, I’m grateful I’m not a baron by any means, meaning that even on a financial level, I have to stay practical. Finances aside, I’m not exactly selling out stadiums at this point. I could likely wallpaper my entire flat with printed out rejection letters. Not ideal, but I guess I could look at it as “forced pacing”.
So far, so good. Admittedly, it’s all been close to home, so not a full tour yet (Chicago and my hometown of Milwaukee).
Already, I’m grateful for the people I’ve met at each of these stops, even though it’s only been two stops. With each story I hear, I reassess my own mental journey, and usually I’m able to gain something from each story I hear. These interactions, however brief they may be, are exactly why I’ve decided to hit the road in the first place. I gain so much from these interactions, and I hope those I meet with get the same from me.
Getting back into the swing of it was more difficult this time. This summer, I had time to distance myself from it. I spent three months in the comfortable world I’ve crafted for myself. I was not telling my rawest moments to a room full of strangers, as I do on the road. Each time, on the road, it’s still raw. I had forgotten this until the moment I was behind the podium, until the moment I was back in it.
With my first book, I dove straight into tour, meaning my head was still in it. This time, not so much.
I’ve progressed so much since my first book (thank God, or whatever deity you prescribe to). Yet, when I’m reading, it can put me back in that dark headspace, if only for a moment. Sometimes this is okay. Sometimes, this helps me connect with those whose pain may be fresh. I still maintain control over my mental state. Sometimes, though, I can’t, at least not fully. Sometimes, it’s too much. Sometimes, the book never closes in my mind, and I’m right back in it. I can’t escape it.
So far, it hasn’t been debilitating. As I mentioned before, I learned this as I’m taking my time on the road, and have been close to home. I don’t have any sort of literary agent whipping my back and telling me to keep going. I can pause for a moment if it becomes too difficult. Taking my time (I’m hoping) will teach me how to do this more sustainably—mentally and physically.
I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but that would be a lie. It gets different. Different in that the pain is still there, but as you live with it, it changes. There is no “better”—only different.
Once I learned there is no magical “better”, it became easier to focus on progressing forward. I focused on taking control of my own path, rather than waiting for recovery to passively lay down in front of me. I’m grateful I learned this early enough, and I’m grateful I’ve had the mental strength to keep pushing forward.
I can’t answer how I moved past my “diet: boxed wine and triscuits, daily activity: never leave my bed” phase. There is no one thing that helped me move past it. To be honest, I’m never 100% sure I’m 100% past it. I acknowledge that mental state is fluid. Just because you’re past something at a point, it never means you’re past it forever. Some days, I can still see it, clear on the other side of my life’s forever forked road. It doesn’t matter that I don’t stock boxed wine or triscuts in my house anymore. The mental state isn’t dead, only dormant.
But there are some things that have helped me light a candle in these mental shadows. While still not as bright as my brightest days, it does provide a different kind of light, in its own way.
This is going to be a blog post without answers, but with things I’m trying out to help me through these times. These might not work for you, but at least for now, they seem to be doing the trick for me. Listing seems to be the easiest way to do this, so here we go.
1) If you’re feeling down and don’t have plans, try to get outside, if only for a moment. It’s amazing what a change of scenery can do, and seeing other faces can be nice when you feel isolated. This is especially important if you are out of work, or if you work from home. (Even if it’s raining. If you have no plans, nobody will care if you smell like a dog.)
2) Take a cold shower. Trust me. It will shift your mind pretty quick onto something else, if only for a moment. This brief moment can help you reassess your current mental state. By throwing you into sudden shock, you have a minute to hover above your mental pain and analyze it. It sucks, but it’s worth it.
3) Do. Not. Drink. Alcohol. (or succumb to whatever your preferred vice may be). Do not, for a second, crutch your pain onto a vice. (*This is coming from my own experience, where I used alcohol as a crutch, but it never became a serious addiction. If you are seriously addicted, I’m no expert in this. Please seek counsel with any professional you can get ahold of to help.)
4) Acknowledge the small accomplishments. While writing my first book, I used a daily planner. I would physically check off the things I needed to do that day. At that time, many of my boxes were simple tasks (like “wipe off counter”, “read five pages of fiction”, or even “eat food”.) At a point in my mental journey, these check boxes were the only thing motivating me to do anything. It’s amazing what checking off a box can do for your mental health, no matter how small the accomplishment may seem.
5) Turn on music. I’m going to say turn on Little Willie John’s music specifically, if you can’t choose (I’m biased because I love him). Or a podcast (right now, Welcome To Nightvale is hitting the spot for me).
6) If you are ready to see someone, call someone up and try to meet them somewhere, or have them come over. Talking on the phone is great, but there’s no substitute for talking with someone face to face. (Sometimes this isn’t right for me, and that’s okay. Don’t force it if it doesn’t feel right.)
7) Wash your sheets, and make sure your bedroom is clean. Anything that can help you get a full night of sleep, do it. (this is especially important in the winter. Stuff tends to pile up, especially when it’s too cold to leave.) When you care for your space, it’s easier to care for yourself because you’re not living in your own filth.
8) Start a monthly challenge, even if it’s not the right month. (For example, it’s cool to do the November writing challenge NaNoWriMo in December. A challenge is a challenge). I’m doing Inktober right now (a challenge to draw something daily, based on daily one-word prompts.) I’m no an artist, by any means, but it’s something to motivate you through the month, or event to the next day. You might even pick up a new skill, which is always cool.
9) Eat something healthy. Anything healthy. A piece of fruit. A spinach leaf. Oatmeal without tablespoons of sugar. I’m not saying this will cure your mood completely. I’m not of the camp that diet can solve every problem known to man, but properly fueling your brain and body can’t hurt you.
10) Positive journaling. When I used to journal, I had a tendency to focus on what I was doing wrong, then dissecting my flaws. I’d feel trapped after I dissected my flaws, simply because I was hyper-focusing on them from all angles. Sometimes, your negative traits will never go away (for a while, I hyper-focused on my stutter. This is never going away, no matter how much I journal on it). I’m more motivated to be a better person when I force myself to focus on the positive. By focusing on the things you like about yourself, it can seem easier to move in a more positive direction. When you focus on the negative, you beat yourself down, even if that’s not your intent. Focusing on the positive helps to build yourself up. It feels cheesy, but at least for me, it works great.
As I’ve mentioned several times, I do not take medication, nor am I in therapy. This does not by any means mean I’m against either of these. If this works for you—please continue to do it. It does not make you any stronger or weaker, it means something different works for you than does for me. There are likely things in my list that you’re scoffing at, and that’s okay too. We’re all different, and that’s okay, as long as we’re all trying to move forward in a positive direction.
Some days it takes more time than others, but as I mentioned in previous posts, this time spent is well worth it. There can’t be a day where you let the negative take over—you can’t push it to the side and hope it goes away because it won’t. It stays until you address it. Only you can know what will keep it at bay, and that answer isn’t always easy to find. It’s found through trial and error, and through being honest with yourself on what you need.
And on that note, I’m going to turn to this week’s music. I’ve been listening to Jontavious Willis’s album “Spectacular Class”. I came across this bluesy dude after he opened for Keb Mo’, and while I love his sound, I think he’s better live. I’m excited to see what he’ll come out with in the future, but this one didn’t hit it all the way for me. There are some gems though, and I still think it’s worth checking out. Even better, if you see him traveling through your city, check him out live. (Following last week, also, yes, he is a 10/10 person as well. Nice guy, worth supporting, all that jazz.)
I’m working on solidifying a few more dates right now, so keep your eyes peeled on the tour calendar. I’ll update it as soon as I know! Also, let me know if you’d like to see me in your city. I’d love to meet you!